The Internet nearly exploded yesterday after it was revealed that a Pentagon “movement patterns analysis expert” concluded—after carefully studying video footage—that Vladimir Putin has an “autistic disorder.”
But the study’s spectacular findings pale in comparison to similar research funded by the Kremlin, which has clearly demonstrated that Barack Obama is a lizard from outer space.
Top researchers at Russia’s Ministry of Defense discovered Obama’s shocking lizard secret after analyzing several videos uploaded by YouTube user “LizardWorldGovernment666”.
“We watched this one video where Obama was giving this fancy state dinner,” recalls Sergei, a behavioral psychologist who could not provide his full name due to the sensitive nature of his work. “And [Obama] sort of licked his raspberry sorbet instead of using a spoon like a normal human would. And then I was just like, ‘Oh my god, this dude is a f—ing lizard.'”
But how did the researchers conclude that Obama was a space reptile?
It’s obvious that Obama is no ordinary lizard, according to Sergei.
“This other video, uploaded by YouTube user ‘TheQueenMotherControlsYou’, shows this weird-looking line on the back of Obama’s head, sort of like if he had brain surgery or something. Well, everyone knows that Queen Elizabeth uses microchips to control ETs that accidentally crash-land on Earth. So we connected the dots pretty easily.”
Other evidence cited by the Kremlin study includes Obama’s “obsession with flying bomb-dropping robots” and “the dumb way he rides a bicycle”—both clear indicators of space lizardness, according to experts familiar with these sorts of things.
Asked if he thought that the two-year, 40 billion ruble ($10) study was a good use of taxpayer rubles, Sergei remained obstinate.
“Of course. Now we know how Obama ticks, how to make him comfortable—how to negotiate with him. First, Russian diplomats should always meet with him in a very hot room. Like, banya hot. Second, there should always be plenty of flies for him to scoop up with his space-lizard tongue.”
It is not currently known if the Kremlin has adjusted official policy to reflect the study’s findings.