Whites helpless as Malema lays claim to Table Mountain

Julius Malema returns from his honeymoon to occupy Table Mountain – and Jacob Zuma will hold garage sales to pay off land reform debts.

Economic Freedom Fighters leader and all-round revolutionary Julius Malema is an equal opportunities provider when it comes to his “occupy the land” initiative.

No earth shall be spared in the EFF’s effort to reclaim South African soil. Not even Table Mountain, Cape Town’s pride and joy and Helen Zille’s favourite canvas for things like laser beam light shows.

The fighter-in-chief launched the “occupy the land” movement to force rightful citizens to own the land once stolen from them by foreigners such as whites. The reclaim process, once just received as a vicious rumour by sceptical audiences, gained full momentum after President Jacob Zuma promised to speed up the land reform process at the ANC’s 103rd birthday bash in Cape Town on Saturday.

Tired of unfulfilled pledges by the president – who Malema has little respect for – Juju went ahead and set up camp on the mountaintop. Helpless whites could just look on, paralysed by an overwhelming sense of powerlessness. What could they do to fight the truth? The mountain was technically land, the land was not theirs.

“It’s really difficult to keep facing the truth over and over again,” said one onlooker who donned a faded Democratic Alliance T-shirt. “What can we say, we came here with our ships and our Van Riebeecks, we thought we were immune to the forces of the Dark Continent, but alas, it has now come to bite us in the arse.

“We understand that we don’t have to necessarily leave the country. But the loss of land means a loss of wealth. Nothing else matters anymore,” he shrugged despondently.

Malema had warned of expropriating land, but many thought the man was joking. They think this all the time.

Prior to planting the EFF flag on Table Mountain, Malema said the EFF and fellow expropriators would not pay for the land. They would just take it. Zuma would be expected to pay for the land.

“We have no money to pay for land. We are going to occupy. This is our land”, he said, in between checking the time on his Breitling watch.

Needless to say, the great occupy Table Mountain incident has now rendered the ANC’s attempts to claim the Western Cape null and void. And Zuma will be found holding garage sales at Nkandla.

Items from his massive estate will contribute to paying off land reclaim debts. Zuma has also assured the whites of Cape Town that the money will be donated to them for all the troubles caused. Rumour has it that the sculpture of Zuma’s head, shoulders and bust, fashioned from the tears of the working class and gold from the troubled mines, will be held for a special auction once the garage sales are done.

There is no date for the auction yet, but it will have to be soon because Malema plans to take Nkandla as well. Insiders say that blueprints of the renovations he plans to make have already done the rounds for approval among fellow EFF members. Some of the additions and changes include getting rid of the fire-pool (Malema hates the heat and he is not a strong swimmer), as well as installing a tailor shop (which employs the actual working class) for mending the EFF’s red overalls.

What does Malema plan to do with Table Mountain and the Western Cape? “Paint the town red,” he says.

It’s easy to understand why Cape Town’s whites feel so blue.